Main Navigation


Released: 2007-11-17 Genre: Third Person Action Adventure Platform: Reviewed By: Joe Johnson

Killing Me Softly

Pardon me, do you have the time?

Assassin?s Creed isn?t really a videogame, you know. I mean, in the really literal sense I suppose it is, but as far as actually playing the damn thing, it really just handles things nicely on its own.

When you look at the box art for the game, or watch one of the demonstration videos, you see a rooftop guard screaming as a guy in a white cloak jumps onto his back and drives a blade into his neck. Everybody wants to do that. I wanted to do that yesterday, when a driver honked at me and caused me to drop my keys in the mud. I wanted to sprint wildly after him, spring from rooftop to rooftop behind landing on his hood and ending his life with cold steel. You?ve felt the same thing, don?t deny it.

Assassin?s Creed doesn?t really let you do this. It happens in the game all the time, sure, but you never really have much to do with the actual killing. A guard stands on a rooftop high above you, just waiting for a good stabbing. You, the agile killer Altair, press up on your controller and hold a button. Suddenly, the nimble Prince of Persia knockoff is scaling the building, darting between handholds, dancing up the side without a damn bit of feedback from you. When you finally reach the top, you hit another button and wham, you get a six second clip of the kill. Much like pushing PLAY on your VCR, you totally just witnessed that murder. Too bad you weren?t really involved.

There?s really nothing to Assassin?s Creed. Sure, it?s a visual masterpiece full of buzz words like ?immersive world? and ?historical accuracy,? but it also blows its load in the first hour and shows you every pathetic thing it has to offer, dripping awkwardly down your skirt as you contemplate a cuddle. Except Assassin?s Creed doesn?t want to cuddle, it wants to fool around for another 12 hours even though you?re already covered in splooge.

But let?s step away from this nasty metaphor and take in the sights. Assassin?s Creed really is beautiful. It encourages you to wander around the world simply by being a world that l